goodbye insomnolence

Thursday, Aug. 05, 2004 - 6:20 pm

My suspicions have become a reality.  I suppose this was the coup de gras for my never ending life of drama.  I got the mother pregnant.  I haven't the energy to go into detail about that right now.  That wasn't the coup de gras, unfortunately.  I found out today that Angel, in this short period of time, fell for her co-worker, gained carnal knowledge of him, and was left...  I don't know the full details quite yet, but I can imagine what went on.  I've seen it countless number of times with Bubba and the vulnerable girls he preys on.  He'll feign interest until he gets what he wants, and then moves on.  The strategic thing he does is keep contact with them seemingly as friends in case one of them breaks again and falls for him another time.  I suspect that Dickhead, the name I'll refer to him as from now on, laid on the Bubba routine nice and thick.  He probably casually threw out signs of attraction towards her knowing she would pick up on them, claimed he wasn't ready for a relationship because of a recently failed flame who he probably was seeing on and off, but in between breaks, would fuck other women as he felt fit.  Then he eased his way in, knowing that he had her right where he wanted her.  Once he had his piece of ass, I surmise that Dickhead claimed negligence on his part.  I bet he told her he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, and that she deserved better.  I wonder how well he put on the "I'm confused" act...

There isn't a word invented for how I feel right now.  Jealousy...  I'm jealous when my parents praise my cousins for how successful and well brought up they are.  No, this isn't jealousy.  Anger...  I'm angry when someone smashes a fist into my driver's side window.  No, this isn't anger.  Hurt...  I'm hurt when someone I love lies to me and betrays my trust.  No, this isn't hurt.  This emotion is on a whole new level, and I don't know how to cope with it.  The worst part of it is that I can't believe that she could give it up to someone like Dickhead so fast and so sudden, who had such evil intentions, and she could easily erase someone like me from her memory like a mere mess up in a sketch...

Part of me wants to know every detail of their intimacy.  I wonder if she sucked him off.  I wonder if she swallowed.  I wonder if she kissed him.  And I wonder if she moaned through it all.  I wonder what was so great about the fuckhead that she could give it up so easily and so surely, without seeing this coming.  This isn't the Angel that I knew.  She was always so smart, calculating and brilliant.  She always planned ahead.  She was never supposed to play the role that I did with her.  I can't take this...

I guess this proves my point.  There's not always a choice to be made with who you end up with.  There will always be the ones you truly want, unattainable, and so desireable, but will never ever work out.  And even with this knowledge, you always have an ounce of hope left in you that something, somehow, someday, everything will fall into place.  Then you have the person who treats you the best, loves you for all your worth, and will never ever hurt you, yet you don't find them as desireable for some reason.  This is how affairs start.  This is how players are born.  This is how the death of my every being happens.  This is the end of me.

As much as I want to be the same person that I've always been from day 1, I know this isn't possible anymore.  Today, I join the ranks of promiscuous men, sleeping with one woman to the next inspiring some hope of a relationship, while giving nothing in return.  Deep down inside, I'll hold on to the hope of finding my way back to the place I was at not so long ago...  Being content...

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