al fine

Wednesday, Aug. 25, 2004 - 1:50 am

I came across this e-mail that I had written a little more than two years ago:

"Oh my f'in god.  I slept at 8:00 yet again, and I still manage to somehow wake up at 1:00.  I've been up laying in bed trying to get back to sleep for hours.  I just gave up.  I'm so confused about everything.  Aren't you tired of social classes?  I feel like there's this certain unspoken separation between the elite and the "average" people.  If you're not one, you're the other...  Well what about those who are intelligent enough but have had shortcomings?  I feel like I'm forced to dwell among the common.  Truly, that makes me sound so condescending, but I honestly feel like I'm missing some component in normal conversations with "common" people.  They seem so easily amused, and yet I know everyone lives complex lives.  No one is without their hardships and struggles.  I recognize that much.  It's how they go about expressing it and talking to me I suppose.  Maybe I just need to get a circle of friends that I'm comfortable with.  You know how that goes.  I'm so critical of people.  I get invites to go do something all the time.  It's not that I'm judgemental of would be friends; I'm more wary of the fact that they have ulterior motives, and because of that, it makes them a candidate of romantic interest (or at least they think it does), and in that area I am VERY picky.  I've come to the conclusion that if they're expecting more than friends, then you have to treat them as if they're wanting more.  Am I wrong?

I've been so utterly lazy lately.  I'm on my computer to justify me spending time, but all I'm doing is staring at my IRC client waiting for my downloads of games to finish.  What a worthless way to live life.  Last I checked, I was capable of much more.  I just can't bring myself to DO anything.  I'm scared to think that I won't get a call tomorrow for an interview.  Debts are piling up...  *sigh*  I feel so useless.  I went from being totally independent, living on my own to existing as a bum now.  Since when was this supposed to happen?  *sigh*

Well, John wants to play me in mvsc, so I can't let that challenge down.  I'll write you more later..."

The significance of this is that I haven't really changed one bit in the past couple of years.  When idle time allows, I drift back into the same repetitive thought patterns.  I've been sober and clean for 48 hours now.  I can only hope the remainder of this year will contain clear headed memories to make up for the blur it's been thus far.  My hope is that I can make it through this year...  To the end...

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